For probably most American, shopping is a favorite past-time. For me, it never has been. I always hated the idea of long lines and people, people, people. I always carefully devised a plan before shopping: what I need, where to go, aprroximate price, check store's current return policies.
This worked for me for most of my adult life until I was diagnosed with Bipolar. It's funny because I had to learn to shop again. Yep, I had to learn to make purchases and count out money, etc.
Why? Well, my nervous breakdown was severe and I lost a lot of my motor skills and critical thinking abilities. I guess I should not say, "lost." They were there, I just had to learn to activiate them again, if you will.
For example, I could not critically think through how much money is $7.95. How much change should I get back after taxes? At first, I used to get cheated when I went into the store alone until my husband at the time, stepped in. (Of course, he took advantage of that loss of mine with his drug addiction, but we'll talk about that after the Holy-Days).
So, I had to ultimately take some refresher courses when I participated in a mental rehabilitation program. I practiced counting money and recognizing the right denominations. Then I had to work on making a list all over again. I had to learn what items I needed and in what quantity. This was especially critical when I began living by myself. Then as a group, the mental rehabilitation center took "us" to the grocery store to navigate through the process. Environmental stimulants are the key reason individuals with a mental illness such as Bipolarity may experience anxieties, panic attacks, etc. that can eventually lead to an episode. Yes, you are very aware and sensitive about the fact that people are staring at you while you struggle to shop. (please don't stare and it is alright to help)
The reason a person with a mental illness may seem "defensive" or not wanting your help, is because they are afraid of you. Remember people don't understand us so they label us and that can include abusing us or just being plain ole mean. There is also a lack of trust in your sincerety not to hurt or humiliate us. If you believe truly a person will react with violence, avoid them politely because they are with someone trained to assist them anyway. Smile.
The first time I went to do groceries for myself, it took three hours. No kidding. I kept walking around the store, up and down isles, putting items in and then taking them out and I have a peeve about not putting items back on the right shelf in grocery stores, etc. So, I would be in isle 10 and decide I did not need such and such and walk it all the way back to isle 2. Then I would go back to isle 10 and make sure I did not miss something... I could not wrap my mind and skills around having a grocery shopping strategy...(I'm sure many stores watched me on camera and had security on alert, too..smile).
Then it took me a while to get up the nerve to get on line for the cashier. I kept going over money denominations and the amount I could afford. I was a worrywart about if I had enough money. I actually got out of line a few times because I did not want the people behind me to see me make a mistake paying for my items. (Yeah, it occurred to me that I could not be the last person on line forever, but it felt good trying).
So, how did I get pass this shopping experience? Well, I did not have enough money for all my items and I was very embarassed to have to put stuff back. (I could care less about that now, smile) I was also very afraid that I would really, really need everything I had to put back. I panicked and then thought I was going to have a full-blown anxiety attack. I ended up calling my daughter when I left the store who told me to just go home until she could get there. It seemed like that was the longest cab ride of my life, too.
Well, my daughter came over and checked my cabinets and fridge for me and assured me I had everything I needed. She checked the receipt and my wallet and assured me I had not been cheated, "but next time don't give the cab driver such a BIG tip-----smile." (hey, he saved my life).
I felt proud that I done good, but shopping for clothes was left up to times when my daughter or friend could assist me until I achieved great mental stability. Inside my head, I knew what to do and how to do it. However, the actual motor skills and thought processes to complete the task challenged me. In my frustration, I avoided those necessary store visits. I became dependent on others to do it for me, too. I was angry because my esteem fell in the process of being a very independent woman to a dependent one.
When I committed to attending the mental rehabilitation center, it was with the sole determination to be able to take care of myself by myself. I did not want to live with anyone the rest of my life and I wanted to make that vision in my head a reality. It was not an easy process.
Once my medications stabilized, it was like a touchable fog lifted from my mind. I could almost watch it dissipate in slow motion. The clarity was just as possible to touch and feel. It was like a night and day difference. Numbers were clear to me. Their value was crystal clear. I could count out carfare the first time versus over and over even with paper and calculator.
My trembling hands subsided over time and that made it much better to exhange money and goods. I was not as subconscious in the process. I also suffered from spontaneous jerky movements of my limbs. That made me paranoid I would fall. It was equally embarrassing to have my arm involuntarily jerk (No, i never hit anyone) or my knee unexpectedly give out on me causing me to lose my balance or fall. These were mostly due to medicine side effects that corrected itself over time (two meds I stopped taking after a while). I want for you to see how the mind has a purpose and how medicine makes a positive difference to an indiviudal who has a mental illness and is treated for it.
Not everything becomes perfect, however. I still get overwhelmed with shopping and I hate it. I enjoy online shopping out of the privacy of my home because I can take all the time I need to make selections and arrange payments. When I am actually in a store and on line, I begin to grow with anxiety about making a monetary mistake or holding up the line or whether I will be able to return an item, etc., etc. These are small things that have a huge bothersome meaning to me. Before online shopping, I shopped mostly by catalogs. I often joke that online shopping was God's gift solely for me (hey, that's my story and I'm sticking to it).
Now, when I am in a manic or hypomanic mode, I do NOT even attempt to shop. It is truly mind over matter with self-discipline. I stick with my wellness plan that calls for me to contact certain people when I sense an episode. That ensures I do not try to buy the world. Smile.
I was once asked if I was ever in the store and a manic episode hit? Well, I surely cannot speak about any other individual, but that is not how Bipolarity works. When people are approaching active bipolarity after being stabilized from it, they know it. They can sense when their body is not right. It's what they do before the bipolar takes over. It does not happen instantly in a flash such that I could be in the store making a purchase and BAM! Bipolar happens and I start buying everything in the store.
Once you are in any manic episode, you are capable of doing anything out of the normal for you. If you have never taken medication and been stabilized, you don't know what it is like to be normal so to speak. You constantly bounce checks or exceed your credit limit creating a financial nightmare. You stay in conflict with anybody and everybody over the least little thing. You accept with all reasoning and cognition that there is nothing WRONG with YOU, but everybody else is "crazy."
You are used to being sick. It's like having blurred vision and accepting that life is blurred. Then one day you get fitted for glasses and the world is instantly clear. You notice right away your vision is better and you wonder how you ever lived with no eye glasses. If you know or suspect you have bipolar or another mental health issue such as depression, do YOURself the favor by seeking mental health treatment and live on the clear, sunny side of life with me!
So, it is possible to shop with treated bipolar just like people without bipolar because with medicine you are stable. When I do conventionally shop, I have a time-frame to get out of the enviromental stimulants even if it is the solitude of being in my car driving to the next store verrry slowly. Smile. Even with the anxieties, you can manage long enough to get what you need and keep it moving safely. I know that there is nooooo way I'm leaving my house the day after Christmas! The stimulants and stress will bury me with all the people in droves at stores and traffic. That is common sense for me.
FIXED INCOME ANXIETIES:
Oh, how I would pace and toss and turn all night over how to make Christmas on limited dollars. I worried so much about what family might say if I did not give them a gift. I let depression settle in my spirit over that, too. Finally, I declared one year I would not be celebrating Christmas by receivng gifts anymore, ANYmore. The guilt of not being able to reciprocate was magnified and stressful.
Living on a fixed income and especially during these harsh economic times can be quite frustrating and depressing for both people with a mental illness or those in perfect health. What I found in the early days was that Christmas was just too stressful because I had children and lived on a fixed income. God is so good at meeting your needs so that when He delivered me from the pit of Bipolarity, He gave me a new reason for the season. That became my joy over depression.
My children took greater delight in seeing me well and putting my life together. They were very understanding that my dollars were stretched thin between a roof and medications and etc. I learned to shake the need to be making obligatory gifts in exchange for true peace and joy. My real friends did so as well. What I am able to give to my children now is true and priceless inspiration to not quit!
An excellent way to help an individual on any fixed income is to allow them to know and understand commercial gifts are not the reason for the season. Compliment on their ability to manage their illness and live with purpose. Encourage them to give the ultimate gift to themselves by seeking and obtaining mental health help. Have a family bake-off if the individual can participate and let that be the Chris-Kringle of the season.
Announce and declare that you are not expecting a gift in exchange for maybe an afternoon tea. Maybe be the first to make a move to heal a family hurt or dividing issue. Be very creative on how to keep the true meaning of the Holy-Day season the only reason for the Holy-Day season.
My favorite gift suggestion is to order a Sterling Silver Ribbon from NAMI.ORG or purchase one directly from any local National Alliance on Mental Illness organization. Doing so shows your support of the National Alliance on Mental Health to increase awareness about mental illness treatment, provide services for the person with a brain disorder diagnosis, as well as show your loved one you sincerely care about ther mental wellness. The ribbons are designed like the breast-cancer ribbons, but they are sterling silver. I wear mind's proudly all year long. Praise Him!
Agnes B. Levine
Author of: "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman" ISBN 0975461206 Winter 2008 Release Pending
www.myspace.com/coolingwellwater (Subscribe Now)
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Posted By: agnes levine
Sunday, December 14th 2008 at 1:49PM
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