There is a song by Beyonce entitled "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)". Though not etymologically related, it’s hard not to see the word “sin” in “single”. Sin is generally defined as any thought, word, or act considered shameful, harmful or alienating. Furthermore, sin breeds guilt. Often the only cure for guilt is punishment. If we subsituted the word sin for single in the above definition, it would read something like this: Being single is shameful, harmful to yourself and others, and alienating.
I am a single woman myself, and Even if you and I are satisfied with being single, the rest of world is not. Get online and you’re bombarded with dating advertisements; show your face at a social function and suddenly everyone has the “perfect” person for you to meet. Non-singles can’t help it. They want to fix you up because, to them, it’s not OK being single. They don’t want to take the sin out of single, they want the single out. Period.
From an early age, we are taught that marriage is inevitable. We have our parents and grandparents as role models, attesting to the tradition. It’s what people do: they pair off. The legend of Noah’s ark is one of the first stories we hear as children.
At the forefront of the story of Noah, are the animals. Pairs were rescued… two by two. No third wheels on the ark… it was strictly a couples cruise.
In elementary school we were told to pair up. Single-file lines were lonely. School was more manageable and fun with someone by your side… even if he had cooties.
It wasn’t just about finding a partner; it was about finding the right partner. You wanted Daniel the math geek for the arithmetic homework, Anna the great tulip-drawer for art class. Who wanted to work alone when you could share the load and have some company? One day in 6th grade when the teacher told my class to pair off for an assignment, I asked Dori to be my partner. She turned me down, saying she wanted to work alone. Alone?! (Gulp). I didn’t know anyone who preferred not having a partner. Working alone was a punishment.
Dori, unlike most of us, was OK relying on herself. I remember thinking how brave she was; and while I would never have chosen to be alone, I admired her.
Even as adults, we don’t often take the risk of depending on ourselves. Solitude allows a shift in focus. Many of us are so caught up in trying to find a partner -- trying to avoid a single-file life -- that there isn’t sufficient time to examine what we truly want. (Not just a math-whiz or artist, but someone who “gets” us). What good is searching for that one true hand-holder if you don’t know what he/ she should look like (on the inside, of course)?
Maybe the fear of being single keeps us single, if not in partnering terms, in vision. And why shouldn’t we be afraid? Our fairytales and family histories declare that being single means living in sin. Moreover, what did the story of Noah teach? Singles don’t merit salvation.
Our fairytales magically paint romance, but never illustrate the search for one’s self.
The Torah says that we are not whole without our basherat. But, even in our fractional state, shouldn’t we be a complete division before joining with our other half? In true coffee-order poetics, both halves must be – individually -- completely whole so that the coming together of both halves creates a whole.
In other words, instead of seeing sin in your single status, rejoice in this part of your life… look for the sing in single, and croon with happiness.
Your thoughts on this sistas...
Posted By: Siebra Muhammad
Tuesday, December 30th 2008 at 3:29PM
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