(Rerun Article With Amendments)
At the top of the previous week, I was persistently nagged by the muse. I absolutely adore the muse and she and I are best friends. However, sometimes it is hard to understand her whispers. So last week was an anxious week for me and I could not quite put my finger on it. I tossed and I turned a few nights. I had dreams three of those nights where the muse presented herself in the background.
As far as my anxiety went, I tried to arrest it by journaling, but that did not work. I continued to feel annoyed and bothered by something I could not touch, or feel, or otherwise identify. By the end of the week, while having a conversation with a friend about breast cancer and my anxiety, it hit me over the head like a sledge. It was the anniversary of my father’s death. He died from colon cancer (seven) years ago. I had to catch my breath and step back to allow myself to feel, to grieve. It was frustrating to me for a second that I did not immediately remember the significance of the week. Then I realized that, no, it was frustrating to me that I tried to AVOID the significance of the week, but could not. There was a distinct difference. As soon as I realized that, the muse comforted me.
During the time that I allowed myself to grieve after my father’s transition, I reflected on what grief meant to me. It was the fear that my family was broken up. We had always supported each other in some fashion or another and daddy was the head gluing it all together. It is the sorrow, deep sorrow of having to suddenly live without a person in your life that makes you grieve. Sorrow can be felt with separations/break-ups, divorces, or moving to new places, but it is more typically associated with the death of a loved one. We can be very frustrating and annoying as we become adjusted to the major life change. Some people retreat within one's self and don’t want to be bothered with socializing and especially, answering questions about how they feel. It is a natural time to process the reality of losing that special loved one. It is a time to be naturally angry about the loss.
For me, when my father first transitioned, I was immensely terrified. I worried that without him, could we still be a family? My father was my rock through very difficult situations I had to experience in order to be who I am. He was my pillar of strength on earth that kept the fire ignited under me to "not give up!” I began feeling very lonely after his transition. It was during this time that I renewed my relationship with church---not God, but church. This spiritual socializing allowed me to find the strength to accept God’s will better than I thought I already had. It also gave me the courage to talk about my relationship with my father and what his death meant to me. That was an important step in healing for me because I talked to people who did not know my history and could offer me sincere spiritual comfort without any biases. Even though I have a mental illness, I grieved like my other family members. Too often, mentally ill persons are over-looked as not being in touch with reality enough to grieve. People can be insensitive without meaning to be, too. My family walked around me whispering about arrangements and details like I was "stupid" because they feared I would "go off." Well, another "sane" family member went off instead, sooo....??? I used my coping skills to help that member. Smile.
So, does a mentally ill person grieve or not? Yes. Now, what to do with that person?
The same things you would do to help a non-mentally ill person, but maybe lovingly remind him/her to take his/her medications and strive to keep his/her same mental wellness plan during the mourning/grieving stages.
Embrace that individual and recognize any changes in his/her behavior.
Inform the mental healthcare providers immediately of any such changes and in certain cases, notify his/her mental healthcare provider of the loss of a family member for preventive measures to prevent triggering the mental illness symptoms.
Definitely involve your church community for help and support with a family member with a mental illness during this time.
Hug them!
During my seven-month mourning/grieving time, I also had my meltdown. It was the best thing I could have ever experience while feeling alone in my life. It hurt like you would not believe (if you never lost a close, loved one). On this particular day, I returned home from a busy day at work. As I entered my apartment, I thought I would change clothes and run over to my parents' like I often did before daddy died. Suddenly, it hit me that I would never, ever hear my father’s voice again. I would never see his face, smell his stinking Old Spice cologne, or breathe in that rotten-egg odor of his Blue Magic shaving crème ever again. I realized I was going to miss the way daddy tended to warm everything up in one pot, drench it with ketchup, and then feast with a look of content.
Those memories contrasted sharply with the reality of losing my parent too soon and made my chest form into a tight, painful knot. I grabbed at my chest and fell over onto the floor. I truly thought I was having a heart attack because it just hurt so bad. Grieving hurts physically and many people will "shut down" as soon as it starts to hurt. It could be out of fear of dying themselves. For me, however, the feeling of relief and liberation from pain was over-whelming by the time I stopped throwing myself all over the floor (oops, I went "off"). I felt as if the blinds and the patio door opened and fresh air poured in. I gradually felt better. I had just grieved my heart out because I was human and then it felt good. The healing power of letting go and allowing yourself permission to grieve naturally brings you to a certain level of peace. The fond memories of the deceased individual over-shadows the loss over time. This does not mean, however, that from time to time thinking about a deceased loved one will not cause you pain or to cry because it is natural to miss somebody. It just gets easier to cope and live. Could this be why folks say, "She died of a broken heart after her husband of 50 years passed away?" Is this why my grandfather unexpectantly died exactly six months after my grandmother?
What happens when indiviudals do not honor the grieving process?
When individuals do not honor the natural grieving process, they set themselves up for a host of mental health issues beginning with "situational depression" which can lead to a more serious problem. What comes to mind is a local politician whose husband committed suicide. Their teenage son also committed suicide two years later. What was quoted in the local newspaper was: "John (not real name) never got over his father's death." That "getting over" part is the inability to get pass the grieving stage. That is an example of how situational depression can lead to more serious mental health issues. Situational depression is the extended period of deep sadness. It zaps your energy and makes you unable to focus. We all experience this type of depression at times in our lives.
Everybody grieves differently in his/her own way. We must respect each other's grief process and remain a support mechanism regardless of his/her manner of grieving (see Part 3).
Now, some people go from mourning to grieving right away and others may take longer to get from the first stage to the next. The important thing is to get through those stages and there is help for those who cannot find their way.
This weekend is a sorrowful time for all of us who love Jennifer Hudson. Is it possible to grieve for, or with, a celebrity? Yes.
We may have periods of sadness and may even feel irritated without recognizing that it is tied to Ms. Hudson's tragic loss because we love Ms. Hudson. I have learned that it is reality that "fans" actually do grieve for celebrity deaths as well. With the tragedy involving a disc jockey in my locale, the radio show allowed fans of the DJ to call in all day and express themselves. There was a Psychologist who spoke to fans as well to encourage them to grieve for the DJ (Kaye Swift) and she explained how it was necessary and healing to do so even though the fans were not family. We grow to love celebrities through their art and it is natural to feel a sense of loss along with them. It is also possible to hurt for them. We imagine ourselves in that situation and our emotions surface naturally.
With the sudden tragedy in Jennifer Hudson's family and the (untimely) death of other celebrities such as the Levert brothers, there is the same degree of "grief" even though fans are not "family." It is ok to cry and grieve with a celebrity in honor of the grieving process. In my spiritual journey, I have come to understand why fans will pile stuffed animals and flowers, etc. at celebrity's home, etc. They must do something to express their emotions of sorrow and need to support somebody they hold in high esteem. It is healing.
But should you grieve for people who live on the wrong side of the law? Guess what happens in this situation?
(See Part 2 of 3 -because of the length of this original article I wrote, I split it up:).
Agnes B. Levine
Author of: "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman" ISBN 0975461206 Winter 2008 Release Pending
www.myspace.com/coolingwellwater (Subscribe Now)
Founder/President: Levine-Oliver Publisher, the Exclusive publishing home of Swaggie Coleman. Visit Swaggie's Voice© at:
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Posted By: agnes levine
Sunday, October 26th 2008 at 9:02AM
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