Yep. I wish it were not true, but it is. Certain members of my family insults me, too.
Yep. There are folks in my family who believe I am just "Crazy Aggy!" They go out of their way to humiliate me at every opportunity. They try to hurt my feelings with rude comments and their expectations of me are very, very small. Of course, this is not limited to family, but I wanted to just speak to the family issues because we will be seeing lots of them during the Holy-days (in most cases).
So, how do I handle being referred to as the "Crazy" one out of the bunch? I don't put it on my plate, so to speak. There will be people who learn of an individual's vulnerability and will use it against them to hide their own insecurities.
I learned two things early on in life: (1) Before I was even diagnosed with Bipolar, I was co-dependent. That means that I was the spouse of an addict. I learned to behave according to his addictive actions. I conditioned myself unwillingly (and unknowingly) to react to his "craziness."
When he returned home after weekend binges and no money, I learned to walk on egg shells emotionally and keep my feelings bottled up. When he went on a tirade when he needed funds to support his habit, I learned to hide within myself and stay out of his way. I was always scared. He would bang holes in the walls next to my head to scare me into submission on all levels and I gave in to keep the peace. My own health deteriorated as I learned to exist with his addiction. Not to mention the anger within. That is co-dependency in a nutshell.
Then a family member gave me a book by Melody Beattie titled: "Co-Dependent No More: How To Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself." My first thoughts were: What does this white women know about black folks? I skimmed through it and put the book aside. However, it kept calling me. I was not controlling him. That is what I thought, but I was trying to control him allll the time by trying to get him to stop being an addict. I was consumed with his addiction and not my own health. Hiding money. Lying about money. Walking on egg shells to avoid triggering him. Given in when I did not want to. Lying to family and friends. Borrowing money when he fell short. Keeping his "seedy" friends away. All sorts of behaviors to really enable HIM to be an addict.
So, instead of pacing the floor at night worrying about where my husband was this time and if he would make it home alive or with just a part of the bill money, I began reading the book. Honestly, I read it about three times before the words began seeping into my blood. In short, what I walked away with from that book (and then the second book: "The Language of Letting Go") was that I was just as "sick" as my husband was an addict. More importantly, I had to get focused on my own health and not trying to direct his. You cannot force a person to behave a certain way. That is where we must learn to pass up on "controlling" urges. Let it go! You cannot make people respect you, but you do not have to accept their disrespect.
(2) Post my Bipolar diagnosis and during intense therapy sessions, I learned that when people are hurting, they will hurt others. It's human nature. Some people cannot help but to lash out at others when it absolutely has nothing to do with the other person.
Fast forward, when I am with family other than my immediate (children and very close friends), I already know that certain individuals are going to act "stupid." They need to feel "bigger" and any way is a good way in their minds. Having this understanding up front, I know that their insults towards me will not move me to a space of feeling the "brunt" of their jokes, negative comments, etc. So, when I am greeted with..."so, did you take your meds or will we have to put you in a straight jacket?" I do not internalize their ignorance. I simply respond, "You're safe. (Smile)" I then move towards people present who show me respect and I have a good time because I am confident in my ability to do so without needing to get into negative verbal exchanges.
More often than not, the ignorant person becomes the isolated family member. (Give it time and you will notice the same thing anywhere). Typically, people will surround me and have a good time as well with good, wholesome conversation on everything from the pumpkin pie we cannot stop eating to the state of the union. Yes, my children are very defensive of me and there are times I have to tell them to, "Shut-up!" (remember your mama's 'evil' eye...teehee) because I am not present to prove anything to folks. I am simply out to partake in the spirit of the Holy-day. When I return home, I want those types of memories and not the "he-said, she-said" hang over. Y'all feel me?
When you take that type of garbage home with you, it seethes through your mind. You began creating situations in your mind where you should have said this or you should have said that. As you are doing this, your chemicals associated with stress, increases. The more you stress over the situation, the more likely you will cause your blood pressure to rise, headaches to occur, start eating comfort foods, etc. In doing all these negative behaviors, you are causing more "self" inury or insult to the perceived injury by somebody's need to hurt somebody with meanness.
If you enter into a room with the mindset that every negative comment thrown your way will be flipped around mentally into a positive comment, your emotions become "teflon." This may sound silly, but when I heard Dr. Phil say this back in 1993 (yep, I still remember) on the Oprah show, a light went off in my head because it was the exact same thing my therapist had been telling me. Heck, if Dr. Phil said it, too, then it must be true. So, I began practicing it. It did not happen overnight. It did not happen in a week. However, a year or so later, I had an epiphany. I stopped dead in my track one day and realized that I actually drove all the way home from a family event without talking/thinking/replaying excessively about a silly family member and 'their' insults.
Then I realized that I felt good. I slept good. I did not need to alter any medications and I found myself looking forward to the next family event knowing the individual could not stress me out. Of course, some folks in every family just never quite get it. For those folks, I avoid socializing with them. Plain and simple. I have an idea who will turn up at certain events and I pick and choose which ones I will participate in. I feel no shame or guilt in NOT inviting certain folks to my home, too.
Now, what about in the work place when people are just rude and do not need to know I am Bipolar? In cases like these, I learned to take the control. Yep. You can too and here is how. I speak first to them and ask them how they are doing. No matter what the response is, I then immediately speak about how the Lord has blessed me to be in the place and I keep moving the whole time I am talking. Sometimes, when the individual pauses, I simply change the topic of conversation. Before they know it, I have made my copies, obtained office supplies, etc. and I am gone out of their "space." I do not engage others with feedback when they are in a "bad" mood and ready to devour. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude (by ignoring your comment), but I am so distracted at the moment."(adios)!
When you recognize that on any given day folks may be in a bad mood or space and it has nothing really to do with you, it is so easy to keep it moving. If you work on your spirituality, you do not even hear the negativity because you are only tuned into God's voice. I screen phone calls, too. And my favorite, is e-mails. When a family person (etc.) is needing to express themself by just being nasty with e-mails, I do not open them until I arrive at a place mentally and emotionally that I will not be stressed by anything he/she may have written. Most times, I simply cut off all communication with some folks, period. There was a time when I would read somebody's rampage and get all worked up. Then I would write back and it would go back and forths. That was then.
So, I am not perfect and I am not free from family insults, but I know when to keep certain things "OFF" my plate. The goal for me is to stay focused on my wellness first.
Now, the flip side is that if you refuse to take medication for any mental illness and behave "abnormal" as a result, you can only blame yourself. People will more than likely treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If you are the one showing up at family dinners raising "cane" or drawing attention to yourself because of your untreated mental illness, then earning respect is going to be quite difficult. Please, seek mental healthcare because you deserve to.
Also, if you are struggling for mental stabilization due to recent diagnoses, or medications, etc., have someone you trust to be present to sort of keep an eye on you and help you through the dinner. It does not have to be a big production. Try confiding/discussing with a close family member (child, parent, sibling, etc.) that you just started taking medication that may make you a little anxious, antsy, sleepy, or sometimes medications make you jittery or your hands might tremble.
I did this early on when I needed to take a break from all the exterior stimulants (conversations, laughter, music, arguments (smile), etc.). What I did was let my daughter know when I would sneak off to my parents' bedroom and just sort of "rest." She popped in once or twice to check on me and nobody knew any different. She also made sure I dressed appropriately (what's wrong with my red tennis?) by arriving at my house a few minutes early to "inspect" me. Smile. (hey, she's twenty-something and that mattered).
Lastly, many people work and work through issues on their jobs using skills and education and experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the same skill sets, education, and experience when there is family stressors whether you have a mental illness or not. Just keep God first and all else will fall into place. Smile.
Agnes B. Levine
Author of: "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman" ISBN 0975461206 Winter 2008 Release Pending
www.myspace.com/coolingwellwater (Subscribe Now)
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Posted By: agnes levine
Friday, November 21st 2008 at 8:49PM
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