ADHD, DEPRESSION, BIPOLAR ~ Getting Your Family Through the Holy-Days ...
I had to make time today for my very special loved ones as we get close to the big day ...no, not Thursday when President Obama signs Healthcare Reform legislation; that is now safely in God's hands.
This time, the important information is how to get through the Holy-days if you or a family member has a brain disorder, mental illness, or "issue?" Whether you or your child or your sister or your mate have a mental illness, there is a good, sound way to get through the Holy-days with the least amount of stress. I love these tips on how to survive family celebrations (they really work all year long, too) from
http://www.everydayhealth.com/adhd/living-... :
I join hundreds of others with experience in this regard who say the best, best way to survive the Holy-Days after you pray, is to plan, plan, plan, and then make a plan!
What Goes In Your Plan? :
1. Plan to have help
If at all possible, don't go it alone: If you do have a spouse or partner, etc., plan together so you can operate as a team. If you don't, enlist a relative or friend who is very supportive who doesn't have their own family plans to go along with. You'll have help and difficult family members are likely to be on better behavior when you have a clear ally. Make sure all medications have been given or are packed for the visit. A partner can tag team with you when the going gets rough with your (child), and you need a few minutes break. A partner can divert Auntie's intrusive questions by engaging her in conversation, and can be that extra pair of hands helping out with the festivities when you are busy with your (child), etc.
If YOU are Auntie, please don't pry at the family dinner. You should have been in contact alllll year long, but make it your kindness to make a phone call next week sometime. And don't ask how can you help if you don't mean it. Smile.;)-
If you are the person with depression, etc., make sure at least one person present at the celebration is aware of your special needs. This is YOUR support system when anxiety rises and you cannot think clearly. In my early days of recovery, my eldest daughter was my closest ally. She knew when to 'cover my back' so-to-speak and keep me from ruining everybody else's time because I was struggling for one reason or another.
Also, understand that environmental stimulants can cause people to stress, worry, and 'act out.' Sometimes, simply turning down the music makes a big difference. Please, please do not use a person with a special need as the ENERTAINMENT and we all know what that means. Feelings are hurt forever. amen? AMEN!
Maybe this year you can invite "Uncle George" to come out of his dark, stinky room and sit at the table for dinner -- at least prayer. Sometimes just asking can be the beginning of recovery. amen? Amen!;
2. Plan to capture at least one important moment
Identify what is bottom line the most important thing you want out of the day. Many special needs (kids) are on their best behavior for the first part of a visit. If there is someone you want to be sure to talk to, that's the time to make sure it happens. If you absolutely have to have a piece of Grandma's pumpkin pie, ask for a piece before dinner, give her that hug, and tell her how wonderful it is. If you have to leave suddenly, at least you will have had the one moment that means the most to you.
3. Plan for unwelcome family dynamics
Unless this is your first time out, it is not new information who in the family will be critical, who will be inappropriate, and who will use the one time you see them a year to try to corner you into a painful conversation. Think about the likely scenarios and develop a few key lines to divert these probably well-meaning but unhelpful folks.
If someone has (unwanted) advice? Tell them just how much you appreciate it but could they please e-mail you so you can give it proper attention?
If someone is critical? Let them know that you appreciate their concern and you will certainly think about what they've said.
If someone chooses the middle of dinner to tell you that they have a friend of a friend who is in exactly the same situation and they're handling it better? Suggest that they give you that person's phone number and pass the potatoes, please.
It is never helpful to debate, argue, or try to introduce new information when at a family event. Just find a way to acknowledge the offer and move on. You can decide later whether you want to answer the e-mail, take the advice, or make the phone call. If you have protective covering such as with my daughter, that person can handle your 'dirty' work politely for you while you enjoy the potatoes.
4. Plan for (Rey-Rey's) inevitable melt-down
Any change in routine can drive special needs (kids, adults) (especially new to meds or unmedicated) over the edge (until they stabilize). No matter how well you plan or how hard you try, the day is going to be difficult at times.
Talk with the host family ahead of time about whether there can be a room where you and your child can take a time out if you need to. Bring along whatever soothes your child (special toys, special blanket, CD) and simply excuse you both for a while. (Remember that partner? This is a time when you can tag-team so that each of you can get some dinner or so that one can withdraw while the other engages the group.) If the event is at your house, it's a good idea to make your child's room off-limits so at least that space can stay familiar and friendly for your child.
I must tell you that this was very, very important to me in my early days of recovery with Bipolar. When I went to family's houses for celebrations, I usually needed a nap due to medications and/or environmental stimulants. I would ask if I could rest somewhere quiet or my daughter would ask on my behalf. At my parents' house, they knew I would be resting in their bedroom, but you can't just barge into anybody's bedroom. So, ask ahead of time when you confirm if you can go to an area of the house where it will be quiet if it is necessary. Then you can do so without big, embarrassing announcements, etc. You won't tick people off either when they see you roaming around their house uninvited. I found that 30 minutes or so away from all the noise and chatter (and humiliations) helped me stick it out. My daughter would check on me periodically, but she also enjoyed her time "off-duty" to catch up with cousins, etc.
Now, today I am blessed and I tell people to get-to-stepping when they get on my nerves even if it's their house....Smile!
5. Plan the food
Uncle George may need a special diet. We all know this happens. Don't make a big fuss and be mean and frustrated. It's Christmas ... have a few alternative dishes or treats that even diabetics can enjoy. Realize that sugar promotes ADHD, too. Alcohol increases depression!!!! This is why Rey-Rey keeps crying at every family event. Take away the alochol and give her a Ginger Beer with a slice of lemon. (Oh, did I not mention I love Ginger Beer?...)
Bottom line is to be prepared. Note: Kids don't care if the holiday meal is gourmet. Most of them get upset when the food is unfamiliar or when they are pressured to "try" something. Bypass the argument and the anxiety by bringing a couple of favorites and asking the other guests to please not make an issue of it. One of my kids only wanted puffed rice cereal when upset. Granted, "puffas puffas" aren't a traditional Thanksgiving Day treat but having a bowl next to her plate meant she was happily occupied while the rest of us ate turkey.
6. Plan an escape
The best plans don't always work. Sometimes a time-out to calm down is enough for a child (and us) to regroup. Sometimes it's simply not. Like most of us, you've probably already made the mistake of trying to tough it out so I don't need to tell you that it just isn't worth it for anyone at times. Let the hosting family know ahead of time that you may have to opt out of dessert (or even dinner) but that it's better to go before things reach crisis proportions. Ask for their support in diverting other people's well-meaning "do you have to's". If you're with a partner, one of you collects whatever stuff needs to be collected and the other deals with the child.
What if you are alone and things go awry? Leave the stuff and just get out of there while everyone is still smiling. Tell everyone how much you have enjoyed seeing them and how much you appreciate their understanding and go. If you had to travel far to be part of the festivities, it's trickier. If you can afford it, it's a good idea to get a motel room so you have a place to retreat to. If that isn't an option and you are staying with family, you can plan to go for a walk or a drive if that soothes your child or turn a time out into a more lengthy withdrawal.
Don't apologize for yourself or your child.
Whatever happens, your child is probably doing the very best he or she can. So are you. There is no need to apologize for your child's limited ability to manage the chaos of a big family get together. It comes with the territory of being who he or she is. Equally important, there is no need to apologize if you need to take time outs or keep the visit brief in order to keep your (loved one) stable and happy. The people who love us and our children the most will understand that that's our first priority and will give us support. For that, we can indeed give thanks. amen? Amen!
Visit NAMI.org for mental health information
Passing the peace for a beautiful, peaceful, and loving Holy-Day season. Jesus is always the reason.
Posted By: agnes levine
Monday, November 19th 2012 at 10:05AM
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