(Rerun Article With Amendments)
Everyone grieves differently. Men and women do not grieve the same. Women will talk more readily and easily to anybody about their hurts. They reach out and are emotional, but men will process feelings of grief more internally. Men will not typically ask for help coping with death or communicate that they are feeling sad. They consciously opt for isolation. I have seen other people who do not honor the grief process after losing someone to slip into a deep, deep depression. I have seen others resort to alcohol, drugs, or even promiscuity. Have you seen this?
Women will often choose the intimacy route while they grieve while men will usually choose the social route (i.e., activities with male friends). Neither reaction to death is necessarily wrong. However, if actions become extreme such as anger transformed into physical violence (anger is a normal emotion), there is definitely cause for alarm. If an individual becomes immobilized due to depression, there is cause for alarm. It is very true that when people are hurting, they will hurt others. Thus, it may be wise to keep a safe distance from someone going through his/her anger stage to stay mentally well yourself. At the minimum, recognize that it is normal anger and do not take it personally. Of course, stay out of the way of persons being physically aggressive and seek mental healthcare for that person as well.
Communication and knowledge are two key factors to coping successfully with grief. If a woman allows her mate to know that she is there if he is ready to talk, the man will be assured and comforted that somebody really cares about him. If, and when, he is ready he knows who to turn to. Of course, if he isolates himself or chooses to surround himself with friends, that should be respected. Likewise, a man may need to be extra patient when the woman in his life needs to talk it out as she deals with her grief. She may need to be cuddled more frequently as she works through the grief process. Understanding, of course, that people sense when folks are acting out of the norm and they should be prepared to help those folks find positive coping skills.
Did you know that according to statistics, the holidays are an especially difficult time for anyone who has ever lost a loved one? Therefore, it is important to remember that alcohol is a depressant and so it may be wise to ease up on the spiked holiday pies (smile) during the season. This may be very true if this is your first holiday without your loved one and you normally partake in alcohol. Instead, reach out to friends and family honestly over the next coming weeks. When asked how you are doing, respond honestly by saying something along the lines of, “It is a hard day for me. I thought about John ready to hunt for a tree. Etc., etc., etc." On the flip side, take an extra moment to ask a friend or relative about his or her day. However, be respectful if he or she does not want to talk about his or her loss. Another idea is to suggest doing something for the person or with the person. For example, "You and John always shopped for a tree after Thanksgiving. Would you like to join Pete and me this year?” Never assume that a person who is grieving will not want to keep family traditions on holidays. There are many ways we can operate within the family to help each other and usually when we help someone, we all feel good.
If your family is like many other families, sometimes there is some drama going on around holiday time. It is stressful enough getting through the holidays without your loved one. Considering that Jesus is the reason for the season, a good suggestion is to resolve issues peacefully before the holiday. If this cannot be done, perhaps all parties involved in the matter can agree to put the matter aside until after the holidays and then revisit it. You will be surprised how true reflection on the season can bring harmony to many families!
We live in a society that knows tragedy too well. In light of the tragedy involving Ms. Jennifer Hudson's family, we are paying attention to situations that lead to the ultimate crime of murder. While we are very much feeling some pain and sorrow for Ms. Hudson and must pray for her and her family for the journey ahead, we must remember also the average family that experiences similar tragedies that do not gain media attention. We must remember even those grieving the loss of someone who lived on the wrong side of the law (gang members, drug dealers, etc.).
Unfortunately, there are a lot of deaths of young people in black communities today due to shootings, gang violence, drugs, etc.. That translates into a lot of grieving by our youth especially. It is difficult for youths to experience death. Their hurt is real, but we adults often look away because we focus on the "crime." Perhaps much of the gang violence, etc. happening around us today is directly linked or associated to the uncontrollable anger spawned by grief. What do you think about that possibility?
I read some comments that the Hudson family should have moved out of Southside Chicago and then came the revelation that it was domestic violence that allegedly led to the tragic murder of Ms. Hudson's mother and brother. Of course, domestic violence happens to the best and worst in the best neighborhoods and the worst.
However, this is what I ask you to ponder: If our black communities have the highest rate of murders, then, likewise, our black communities also have the highest rate of pain...hmmm.
This keeps the cycle of mental illnesses alive and strong as well. However, we can do better at helping each other get through the grieving process and doing so will have an impact on mental illnesses in our black communities. (See Part 3).
Agnes B. Levine
Author of: "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman" ISBN 0975461206 Winter 2008 Release Pending
www.myspace.com/coolingwellwater (Subscribe Now)
Founder/President: Levine-Oliver Publisher, the Exclusive publishing home of Swaggie Coleman. Visit Swaggie's Voice© at:
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Posted By: agnes levine
Sunday, October 26th 2008 at 10:23AM
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